There is a new breed of women in town commonly known as slay queens on social media.
In layman’s language, a slay queen is a woman who wants to choke everyone else with how beautiful they feel they are and how they do their “cool stuff”, not forgetting their blond opinions!
It is that girl who doesn’t do githeri or fries, does sleepovers only in leafy addresses like Nairobi’s Kile, Runda and Kitsuru. Dandora na Githurai ni wewe!
Remember that girl who told you that a gentleman must match his shoes and belt, yet her face and neck don’t match? That’s a slay queen.
The first time you meet and listen to them, as one wag pointed out on social media, they tweng harder than Dr Kaluyu, that nondescript presidential candidatMinutes into the conversation, their true colours always manifest, with them resorting to sheng-laden English, as they punctuate their sentences with countless “Oh my God” and “haki woiyee”.
On Twitter, Jay Guzman says that a slay queen’s starter pack includes a passport, thick thighs, an iPhone and a strong liver.
Make up, looking good always
A slay queen must have her make up intact all the time. She has to keep up with all make up and accessories trends.
That includes keeping tabs on all glam pages on Facebook and tutorials on YouTube.
The girl you see in town with flowers on her head, a “band” on her neck is definitely a slay queen.
Take a look too at her eyebrows. Currently, they are slaying on a new trend called wavy eyebrows. Social media trolls say that the queens put flowers on their heads to pay respect to their dead brains. How true that is, we at Crazy Monday don’t know!
With her makeup, a slay queen will look like any local or international celeb or model she admires.
If you are “unlucky” enough to meet one of these queens without her make up, you will be forgiven for thinking that Lwanda Magere, the legend of the Luo has resurrected!
But it is unlikely that you will ever catch a slay queen in her Lwanda Magere look, not when these days they have “primer” which makes their makeup wear better and last longer!
A slay queen would rather sleep hungry but don the latest lace weave or wig and have perfect gel polish on her “sexy” nails.
Slay queens sleep in their heels. No catching them in low life kind of shoes like flats!
She will strut to a polling station deep in Mathare North with her six inches and in one of her feel good days, she will daringly go out wearing stilettos of different colours to pull that blue and red heels stunt pulled by Akothee and international celebs!
Photos and social media presence
Social media and slay queen are “chanda na pete” literally. In any case, where would the queen go with her intact make up if she didn’t have her Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat account?
As part of her calling, a slay queen has the obligation of updating us mere mortals about where she is having her breakfast, lunch or dinner, where and when her invisible bae and her are travelling to, the major happenings in her life like when her bedroom light blows out or one of her hair strands falls out!
These queens take photos and post them from when they wake up to when they retire on their king size beds.
The photos are heavily edited with filters to create perfect and flawless looks until you meet her face to face and realise she has this big scar on her neck because she start slaying around hot water at age two!
A slay queen’s life revolves around videos on WhatsApp status and IG storied on Instagram.
How they create, maintain facade of opulence
The broke slay queens, who are the majority by the way, only take these photos at their rich friends’ place and at big malls only. You will see them with safety belts on “driving their cars” on Parking mode.
They create a false impression on social media that they balling big time yet most of them are jobless.
Oooh, and doomed you are to think a slay queen takes kawaida photos!
A slay queen has to pout her mouth or twist it or just stick out her tongue when taking photos. No slay queen has straight legs, why be that kawaida jameni?
Their legs have to be twisted in photos, you would thing she is suffering from rickets or polio. They call it swag. The slay queens’ constitution, photo session, also says that she must try her level best to show both her glam face and “big sexy” behind in all the photos.
Additionally, she has to go to all length to get the perfect shot for the day, be it to climb a rooftop, hug a transformer or hop into the next airport-bound bus to take a photo at the international departure terminal and hop back to their slum house immediately after! It is an hustle, my friend!
Catch a slay queen dead talking like us mere mortals! You know she is a slay queen if you can’t keep tab with how many wharrevas and ooh my gosh she drop in under five minutes!
We shall never get enough of how they “penda you bae” and heart their bffs.
Their newest word, issa, is a slaying contraction of it is, so do not be baffled when you see them updating that issa Friday, issa parry time and such issa things.
In any case, it is good they use the language that is swaggerific and easy.
Asked to use proper grammar, nearly three quarters of them cannot differentiate “loose” and “lose”, “leave” and “live”, “you’re” and “your” and such simple grammar lines.
Desperate to show the world on social media that they too read and that are smart, they will take a pic of a book cover and caption it with, “good riddance”!
Hashtags are also part of their language. A slay queen is nothing if she can’t tell a short story using hashtags. #MyCrib, #TravelManenos and others hashtags have to be dragged to every post.
Once in a while she will also feel obligated to remind all of us dimwits that she is a #SlayQueen and she is always #Slayinghard!
You cannot qualify as a slay queen if you do not party like an animal.
A serious slay queen has at least puked at all the washrooms of the clubs in town, and taken photos while at it! They smoke shisha like their life depends on it.
A slay queen knows how most if not all wines and whiskeys brands taste if not pretending to!
She knowing where it is happening this Friday and has to be there by hook or crook, ready to take the best IG photo from Kiza Lounge or B-Club!
Being a bimbo and a slay queen go hand in hand. A slay queen must have her blonde moments, it is just a part of who she is. It is one quality they share with socialites.
Take her to your village and after seeing smoke from your grandmother’s house, she will strike a smile and ask, “Dave, kwani your shosh does shisha too?”
A slay queen will ask you what madondo is and before you answer, she will say “let me google it”.
Ask her what she would do if she discovered she has fallopian tubes and watch her get depressed shortly after because blond her thinks fallopian tubes are such a bad thing to have.
Start a conversation on global warming, and with a straight face, a slay queen will tell you that she purchased her global warming at Nakumatt for 15 gees!
One left social media users in stitches when she posted a picture of herself supposedly in Ethiopia and captioned it with, “Wow, Addis Ababa is such an awesome country. Lit!”
With the above characteristics, it is no wonder that Sollo Raitz, a friend of this writer, says that last week when a slay queen from his neighbourhood died, her family had difficulties finding the perfect photo to use on her obituary.
Sollo laments, “Kuna slay queen amekufa hapa mtaani, alafu her family has been searching for a picture to use on her obituary wamekosa…. All the pics alipigwa anavuta shisha, bending legs and stretching mouth. So imebidi wametumia picha ya brathake na wakaandika ni sistake amededi!” Intriguing!